Tuesday, August 31, 2004

Satire: Guru's Guide On How To Impress And Sell More...

I get a chuckle every time I see someone online claiming to be a millionaire and yet the pictures they show of their homes, cars, possessions, etc. don't seem to match the so called "fortune"...

So I've come up with 15 simple suggestions for online marketers who want to impress. You're welcome to add to this list too.

1. Always use a recent picture of yourself
2. Do not take a fancy car for a test drive then take a photo to pretend it's yours
3. No $25,000 cars, please. Go for big names like Ferrari's, Hummers, Caddies, Mercedes, etc.
4. No small backyard swimming pools or the public pool
5. No posing with a model girl half your age and claiming she's your own wife
6. No $250 or Free Hawaiian trip photos. Cruises or European trips are more impressive
7. Ditto for Disneyland. I am hardly impressed with Disneyland trips as a symbol of wealth
8. No photos inside or near other people's properties as if it were your own... (see collage below)
9. Make sure your clothes match your alleged financial status
10. Do not send emails saying that you're away in the Bahamas for 2 weeks while you're actually in your pajamas at home trying to make more money off your ebooks.
11. Do not claim that you made so much money that now you're revealing your secrets for Free. That sounds too much like Mother Teresa if she were a business woman.
12. Do not ask your friends to vouch for your product in exchange for endorsement and exposure for their links
13. Using the word "Secrets" is causing seizures on otherwise healthy marketers
14. Don't make your sales letters sound like a revision of the New Testament
15. Refrain from bragging about how great "thou" art.

IF I were one of these Internet millionaires, I'd show show some known symbols of wealth such as big estates, ferraris, lamborghini's, customized motor homes, etc.

Me And a cheap collage of one of my dream cars, a 1992 Testarossa. You can actually buy these on Ebay for around $60,000. For a millionaire, this would be no big deal to get, right? or $800/900 lease/month.

The following home is actually for sale in my area for a few million dollars. if you are a millionaire online marketer, I am licensed (Stonebrook RE) to help you own this 9,100 sq. ft. custom built home if you want it. If I were a millionaire, I'd buy it. What a great home! Click here to view more pictures

You can even pretend to know some celebrities...even if you run into them at a restaurant and ask to have your picture taken. Post the picture on your web site and later claim you're friends with them. Use it for endorsement impact.

Or, rent a limousine as the one below, have your picture taken in front of a friend's house (background) and make it look like you're driven around in a limo and live in a big mansion...

That's me in front of a friend's house in Las Vegas last year for a Christimas Party!

As they say: "Perception of reality is reality" -
You can also post checks from a really good month and use it as a way to make people think
that they too will get all those big fat checks. Don't forget to tell them that the checks will come once they get 1,000,000 targeted visitors to their sites!.

I am just being sarcastic. Internet marketing has produced some very interesting approaches to selling "stuff" online.